TW: Eating disorder, bulimia and binge eating
shares the first poem she ever wrote exploring her issues with food.
struggled with food for as long as I can remember. As a child, I struggled with
binge eating and when I started University, I developed bulimia non-purging. The
hardest part of having an eating disorder is telling people. After I developed
bulimia, I felt like I needed to. I did not want to be invited out to eat. I
did not want to talk about food, dieting, weight and exercise. For many people,
these are topics that you do not bat an eyelid about – therefore, asking people
“please can we not talk about x” felt unreasonable.
with explaining my eating disorder to other people. Many people found it hard
to imagine me restricting or excessively exercising as I was always at a
“healthy” or overweight BMI. People did not to grasp that my eating disorder is
less about food and how I looked, but more about control and trauma. It is
completely understandable – it is hard to picture something that you have not experienced.
Still, I sometimes felt a bit misunderstood, weird and isolated.
One of the ways
that I can explore my issues around food is through poetry. I seem to perfectly
sum up how I feel where spoken words fail me. This is the first poem that I
wrote about my issues around food. I wrote it at around the age of sixteen
reflecting back on my childhood experience with binge eating.
Not a care
in the world.
After all, I
literally bouncing around,
putting on a
good show for the crowd.
and in the
I wipe off
my smile because secretly,
I am dying.
In silence. Within.
wages war persistently –
‘MORE, MORE, MORE!”
and like a
servant, I oblige.
I reason –
or rather more, I don’t –
that I can
fill the deep dark hole
me with food
But it’s no
good; I never feel whole
perpetually starving! Craving
self-acceptance, respect and unconditional love
never come from food
and that I
can never muster enough of
by Terry Heick Among the biggest changes in modern academic standards is the shift in the burden of general…